Relationships are complex. They can be characterized from acquaintances, coworkers, to friends and family.
To a certain extent we expect to be called upon to help in times of need. At each level, our expectations of those needs increases. What we would do for a friend is not the same as what we would do for an acquaintance. In our most personal, close relationships, there may not be any limits in times of crisis. We strive to take some of the burden from their shoulders, ease their pain and see them thru. In relationships involving illness, our expectation is that the balance of give and take, will tip towards the one that is ill. But what if that person is mentally ill? What if they won't accept a diagnosis? What if they won't get treatment, take their meds or won't do anything to help themselves? When do we cross over from being supportive to being codependent?
Here is the Merriam-Webster definition:
co·de·pen·den·cy noun \-dən(t)-sē\
: a psychological condition in which someone is in an unhappy and unhealthy relationship that involves living with and providing care for another person.
Well hold on. If you are involved with someone who has a mental disorder, you expect there will be times when you are unhappy and the relationship is unhealthy. When my husband is manic or depressed, I take on all the duties of the house and finances. I shelter him from people or situations that may be stressful. I try to not do or say anything that will trigger him. I do what it takes to help him move towards stability. Our relationship becomes very one-sided. Does this make me codependent?
Here is the checklist on WebMD:
Are you unable to find satisfaction in your life outside of a specific person?
Do you recognize unhealthy behaviors in your partner but stay with him or her in spite of them?
Are you giving support to your partner at the cost of your own mental, emotional, and physical health?
Again, I read that list and can honestly answer yes to all when my husband has relapsed. Would someone whose partner has cancer answer any different?
I'm know that I'm very lucky. My husband is stable now and hopefully (fingers crossed) will be for the foreseeable future. He accepts his diagnoses, sees his pdoc regularly and takes his meds religiously. We have the most wonderful relationship. We never argue, spend all of our free time together, have an awesome sexual relationship and have the most stimulating intellectual conversations. But most of all, we laugh. All the time.
I know that relapses are part of his bipolar and accept that there will be times when it will all come crashing down. Things may change for us. You can never tell what the future holds but right here, right now, I know it is love that drives me, not codependency.
To a certain extent we expect to be called upon to help in times of need. At each level, our expectations of those needs increases. What we would do for a friend is not the same as what we would do for an acquaintance. In our most personal, close relationships, there may not be any limits in times of crisis. We strive to take some of the burden from their shoulders, ease their pain and see them thru. In relationships involving illness, our expectation is that the balance of give and take, will tip towards the one that is ill. But what if that person is mentally ill? What if they won't accept a diagnosis? What if they won't get treatment, take their meds or won't do anything to help themselves? When do we cross over from being supportive to being codependent?
Here is the Merriam-Webster definition:
co·de·pen·den·cy noun \-dən(t)-sē\
: a psychological condition in which someone is in an unhappy and unhealthy relationship that involves living with and providing care for another person.
Well hold on. If you are involved with someone who has a mental disorder, you expect there will be times when you are unhappy and the relationship is unhealthy. When my husband is manic or depressed, I take on all the duties of the house and finances. I shelter him from people or situations that may be stressful. I try to not do or say anything that will trigger him. I do what it takes to help him move towards stability. Our relationship becomes very one-sided. Does this make me codependent?
Here is the checklist on WebMD:
Are you unable to find satisfaction in your life outside of a specific person?
Do you recognize unhealthy behaviors in your partner but stay with him or her in spite of them?
Are you giving support to your partner at the cost of your own mental, emotional, and physical health?
Again, I read that list and can honestly answer yes to all when my husband has relapsed. Would someone whose partner has cancer answer any different?
I'm know that I'm very lucky. My husband is stable now and hopefully (fingers crossed) will be for the foreseeable future. He accepts his diagnoses, sees his pdoc regularly and takes his meds religiously. We have the most wonderful relationship. We never argue, spend all of our free time together, have an awesome sexual relationship and have the most stimulating intellectual conversations. But most of all, we laugh. All the time.
I know that relapses are part of his bipolar and accept that there will be times when it will all come crashing down. Things may change for us. You can never tell what the future holds but right here, right now, I know it is love that drives me, not codependency.
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