When the @unt Starts to Fly

"Here we go again. The lies, the anger, the bitterness, the name calling. I can only take it for so long before I fight back. And then it's just a cluster fuck of confrontation. Why do I bother? You're not listening. You're not capable of seeing logically. But it hurts. So I cry. A lot. But not so you can see, cause for you it's some sort of victory. I question myself, I question our relationship. I hate who you become when you're manic. But I hate who I become even more." Diary, Mrs. Bipolar, 2010.

The first time the C word comes out, I know to buckle in, it's going to be a wild ride.

Sex and the Manic Mind

"What is this incessant need you have to prove to yourself and others that you're sexy and desirable? It's not good enough that you go out and flirt with other women or engage with them on social media. You have to tell me about it too. Is this a male thing? A bipolar thing? Or are you just an asshole?" Diary, Mrs.Bipolar, January 2014

The most difficult symptom of mania for spouses/partners is the hyper sexuality. Even amongst all the chaos, hostility and upheaval that can occur, cheating can bring all the understanding and sympathy to a screeching halt.

Every new manic episode seems to bring something new to the table. Yay!

I Married a 16 Year Old Boy

"Mr. Bipolar,

I love you with all my heart and whether you believe it or not, I would do anything for you.  It is with a heavy soul I write this.   The last few years were wonderful and I will cherish them.  I would brag to everyone what a wonderful man, father, and husband you are.   You have a big heart, so much to give, so much emotion.  I love the man with the child in his eyes.

Right now, It hurts me to see you.  I just want to wrap my arms around you and hold you tight.  Nothing gave me more pleasure than to be by your side.  I just can't believe in 30 short days, my world has been flipped upside down and I'm grieving for the love lost and the future gone.  You must understand that the thing the hurts me the most is that you could so easily walk away.  For me, I thought we were soul mates and that you could do this, makes me believe you did not.  I know you are saying that I'm being dramatic but that's ok.

I have always said that your destiny is helping other people.  People are drawn to you and you can make a difference in so many lives. There are so many people out there that would really benefit with your help.  You will do great things and I will brag that I was once a part of your world.

I am sorry that you hate me so much right now.  I am sorry that you believe I have done anything with the intention of hurting or disrespecting you.  That was not my motivation.  Yes I can be controlling and boring but I thought that's what you needed and you used to say that you loved that I wasn't a push over.  I love a man that challenges me intellectually and that's why I chose you.  I am sorry that you see me as a door and not open and comforting arms when the world has let you down.

I hope you find what you are looking for and I will always love you.

Fly, be all you can be.Mrs.B"  Diary, Mrs. Bipolar, 2009. First time he left, before diagnosis.

I was confused to say the least when hypo mania turned into hyper mania. The man I had married had turned into a 16 year old boy.

Online Dating sites are filled with manic bipolars!

"I got in your car and you leaned into me.

Too fast.  It all began too fast and was so all consuming.  The exhilaration of a new relationship to me, I realize now was just a manic phase for you.  After 16 years of a non existent marriage, I jumped all in to a relationship with someone that made me feel wanted.  Was it really love or was I just your latest addiction.

I flirted with online dating sites for months.  Vacillating between being obsessed with logging on and chatting to staying away for weeks.  Somewhere in there, you found me.  " Diary, Mrs. Bipolar, 2006.

And so it begins. At least that's how it all began for me. Divorced, two kids, looking for some harmless fun. Little did I know I would meet the man of my dreams...and my nightmares. The first 2 years were a whirlwind of dating, moving in together, getting engaged and getting married. There were some things I was aware of in the beginning. I knew he had been an alcoholic, sober for 15 years. I knew he had had a gambling problem. I knew he was bad with money. How could someone that had a good job never have any? I knew that at some points in his life he had suffered from depression and panic attacks. I knew he was on anti-depressants. So I clearly didn't go into this relationship with my eyes closed, did I? Looking back, I would characterize those years as hypo mania; fun, happy, good times.  I was not prepared for the chaos that would come next...