This is not about drawing lines in the sand. This is not about ultimatums. This is about creating healthy boundaries for yourself. You can only control how you choose to act and think when your partner is relapsing into mania or depression. You can not control them! What you can do is create a treatment plan for yourself and implement it as needed.
Here's my five point plan:
1. Do Not Isolate Yourself.
As much as your partner needs support, so do you. Create a group of friends, family or professionals that you can turn to, to discuss how you are feeling. You need to have healthy conversations with other people to maintain your own sanity or maybe you just need to vent. I know it is hard sometimes because you don't want anyone to know what is going on in your home. But trust me, if they are a close family member or friend, you aren't hiding anything. Bipolar symptoms are pretty obvious to everyone.
2. Keep Your Own Interests.
It is so easy to allow mental disorders to become all-consuming for the caregivers. Don't forget who you are and what you enjoy to do. Make adjustments if required. If that's going to the gym, go for half the time. If you usually go out for meals with friends, go for a coffee. Don't cut the things you normally love to do completely out. If you do, you will have to deal with your own feelings of resentment on top of everything else.
3. Do Not Engage In Unhealthy Behaviour
Especially in times of mania, it becomes very difficult to not lash out when your partner is being critical, calling you names or just not making sense. Fighting fire with fire will not work. Do not respond to verbal abuse with the like. Say something like "I know you are upset but I can not have a conversation with you if you are calling me names/yelling at me." And walk away. Remember that they are incapable of rational thought and arguing with them would be the equivalent of talking to a tree.
4. Take A Time Out.
Sometimes, regardless of how supportive you are, you can be a trigger for some of your partners' behaviour. Don't take this personally. When you are with each other a lot, response patterns develop. You have the same argument over and over. Figure out a way to take a break from each other, for a few hours, overnight or longer. Whatever you can figure out but keep in mind your partners' safety. On two occasions I did just that. Once, I put my husband in a hotel around the corner for three nights and another time I sent him to his uncles for a few weeks. I was able to get some sleep, take care of myself and not think about his needs for a bit. When he returned, I was a more compassionate, understanding person again.
5. Know When You're In Over Your Head
If at any time you believe that you, your family or your partner are in any danger, it's time to call in the professionals. If you are in physical danger, do not hesitate to call the police. I have and now my partner knows that. I have never had the need to do it again. It was not a pleasant experience for him but he knows now that if he becomes a threat, police will be called. Likewise, if symptoms are way past your comfort level and you see them escalating, it's time to call the doctor and/or go to the ER. The sooner you do it, the sooner your partner will be on the path to recovery. (See my post about my husband's trip to the hospital)
Keep in mind that you may become overwhelmed by your own flood of emotions in times of crisis. You can easily become disabled yourself from the drain physically and mentally. It is important that you take the time to take care of yourself. If you do, you will be able to support your partner more effectively and be able to make rational, intelligent, informed decisions for the both of you.
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